I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
