my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
