Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
