So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
