Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
