What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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