New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
