so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
