i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
