You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
