we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
