Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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