That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
