Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize