I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
And then my night got REAL pukey
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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