I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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