the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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