remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
