and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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