I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
