He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
