At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
