it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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