ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
