When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
