Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
