how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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