I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
