I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
