like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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