dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We are two peas in an std pod
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
