Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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