Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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