you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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