Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
