ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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