I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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