just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize