I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
