I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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