I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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