i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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