Pregnant stripper...not hot.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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