If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
