If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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