I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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