He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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