i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
