Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize