Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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