woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
