Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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