In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
