There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
