Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
