I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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