This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
