I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
