I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Of course I have a pirate flag
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
